Embracing & finding beauty in my scar – my new best friend

A scar. The remainder of what was there before, and what is no longer. Beauty was something I grew to love within myself and appreciate it in all shapes and forms. My skin colour, my race, my hair texture – all of it. I was beautiful in my stance. I loved myself. Yet, now I have to find that same beauty in a different version of me.

They say your scars help you remember your trials and tribulations you have overcome. I used to agree with that entirely until I received one that was very visible. Yes, in one way, it shows me that I am a testimony; however, it is also my new insecurity.  

Since my craniotomy, my head shape is not the same. When they removed a section of my skull, they, unfortunately, cut through my temporal muscle on that side. During the six months I was like that, the muscle deteriorated. After that, I had a cranioplasty where they replaced the area where my skull used to be with titanium. I was officially ‘free’ from the intensive world of the hospital. However, I never understood the emotional issues that would bring me later on in life. 

‘It doesn’t look that bad’

Sometimes I wonder if it is all psychological or actual trauma that I still do not know how to process or handle. For example; when people say to me “it doesn’t look that bad”, I look at them and want to slap them. I told you my head shape has changed – I meant it. I have a dent in my head. How can anyone who is not in MY position ask me to ‘calm down or don’t worry about it’? I am, and I do worry. That is the problem. Don’t pretend its okay when I know it’s not okay. I don’t want to be that person in pictures that looks weird or people asking what is wrong with her head? 

It will always be there, a small nudge of ‘hey there, I’m here – your friend, the head with the dent’. Despite a person trying to be understanding and reasonable, they will never understand it. I would appreciate it if people were more considerate and understanding of where I am coming from, and stop trying to tell me how to deal with my new life-long insecurity. It is ignorant.  

Sometimes I wonder; why do I have a dent in my head? Why didn’t the Dr’s fill it up with something to make me look ‘normal’ again? You probably are thinking ‘why are you so triggered?’. I loved my hair and the multiple hairstyles I could have – willingly. The wigs, the weaves, short and long, coloured – that was my thing! Now, I feel like it has been taken away from me – no discussion. I am trying to adapt my life to this. It is a long process, give me time at least. 

Where are am I currently?

I think I was lucky. I loved having short hair. It suited me a lot, so I decided to cut my hair and have a high top so no one would notice the dent. Not much maintenance – just a bit more expensive getting it cut every two weeks! I also am trying out wigs. I have my pixie short cut wig which I love, and it covers my dent very well.

The next stage in this mission is to have a long wig that doesn’t make my dent very visible. I also need a wig that isn’t too tight on my head, as after a while it becomes excruciating and I want to take it off. I am still trying to figure out if it is psychological or if I genuinely feel the pain. Anyways that is just the beginning – me and my head’s chronicles. My scar is my story. From the centre of my forehead down to my left ear – I see the beauty in it.